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PLEASE HELP!
This letter was composed by a little boy in Balaklavia who is dying from lung cancer due to second hand smoke and drunk driving. Please forward this letter to as many people as you can, so that this little starving boy with no arms can get one last wish...To annoy as many people as possible with e-mail. Please, for every time this mail gets sent, 3 cents will be donated to the Save-The-Starving-Little-Balaklavian-Boy-With-No-Arms Fund. Really. There is no realistic way that all the mails can be counted, but hey, if you don't send this anyway, you're selfish and you're going straight to hell. Or maybe you'll come back in YOUR next life as a little Balaklavian boy with no arms.
Send this letter to as many people as you can.
If you send it to...
1 person -- 1 person will be pissed at you for sending another dumb chain letter
5 people -- 5 people will be pissed at you for sending another dumb chain letter
10 people -- 10 people will be pissed at you for sending another dumb chain letter
15 people -- 15 people will be pissed at you for sending another dumb chain letter
20 people -- 20 people will be pissed at you for sending another dumb chain letter
30 people -- 30 people will be pissed at you for sending another dumb chain letter
35 people -- 35 people will be pissed at you for sending another dumb chain letter
40 people -- Your crush will ask you out on a date.
41 people -- Your crush will ask you to have sex with him/her on Sesame Street.
43 people -- Your crush will die, and be replaced with a new, better looking crush.
44 1/2 people-Your crush will crush you with a huge boulder, and you'll get sick twisted jollies out of it.
47 people -- Your crush will mutate and grow an extra arm, which he/she will use to perform bizarre sex acts on you.You MUST send at least 300 copies of this letter. If you don't an evil curse will be put on you. For instance, John Fargo of Fargo, PA deleted this mail as soon as he got it. Then he got up, called a friend, and went to a movie, because he has a life. Or how about Lenore Poe, of Tromaville, who deleted this mail when she got it? She got into her car and drove to work. Or take poor Mr. Arnold Cartman, who accidentally only sent part of this letter to his crush. He died. So did his crush. Of course, that was because of all of the STDs. (They worked on Sesame Street.)
Please send this letter to all your loser hacker friends. The little Balaklavian boy with no arms needs your help. Remember, as the Spice Girls once said, "I wanna really really really wanna zig a zig ah." Think about it.
PART II:
What is a true friend?
Here's a poem I wrote about being a friend. It's called, "Being a Friend.""Being a Friend"
A friend is someone you can count on
A friend is someone who loves you all the time
A friend is someone who loves you for who you are
A friend is someone who loves you even though you're disgustingly ugly
A friend is someone who smokes crack with you
A friend is someone who sends you countless stupid chain e-mails
A friend is someone who tells you if you smell like shit
A friend is someone who tells all your other friends you smell like shit
A friend is someone who always holds on to you, even after the restraining order
A friend is a person to douse in marshmallow fluff and then lick clean
A friend is someone who comes to your house while you are out and cleans up for you, then picks up her check and leaves, and doesn't speak much English.
Oh, wait, that's the cleaning lady.
A friend is someone who pays for your cleaning lady
A friend is someone who pays for your dominatrix
A friend is someone who is a cleaning lady and a dominatrix on weekends
A friend is someone who helps you kill starving Balaklavian boys
A friend is someone who helps you devour the remains of your victims
So next time you go drunk driving with a friend
Remember that chain mail he sent you about how a friend should never let his/her friend drive drunk
And remember how many copies he/she sent you
And when you crash into a telephone pole, aim so that it hits the passenger side
I hope you liked the poem! Now send this to as many Balaklavian boys that you are friends with, so that they don't drive drunk and so that if they do, you won't have to face their ugly crack-whore moms, because you'll have escaped to Cuba with 5 kilos and a gat.
PART III:
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This is the shining smiley-face Hawaiian totem of love. If you send it to 5 people within the next 3 minutes, you will get mad honeys. If you accidentally send it to 6 people instead, you will die instantly. Good Luck! :)
PART IV:
LAST "GOODTIMES" VIRUS WARNING.
Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive.
Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that aren't even close to your computer. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television & VCR and use sub-space field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play. It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-Aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will put a dead cockroach in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.
Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.
It will pour sugar into your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner & hotel room to your Discover card. It will slander your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead or not, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog.
It will leave libidinous messages on your bosses voice mail in your voice. I
It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methanphedime in your bath tub and leave bacon cooking on your stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.
Now class -- what chainletter can *you* create?
(NOTE: I did NOT say SEND!) !!!