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Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Douglas Adams
Forty-two.

Aristotle
To actualize its potential.

Roseanne Barr
Urrrrrp. What chicken?

Roland Barthes
The chicken wanted to expose the myth of the road.

Brak, of Space Ghost
Well, it wasn't a road, it was a path at the chicken farm, and he was just wandering around.

Buddha
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

George Bush
To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.

Julius Caesar
To come, to see, to conquer.

Candide
To cultivate its garden.

Bill the Cat
Oop Ack.

Noam Chomsky
The chicken didn't exactly cross the road. As of 1994, something like 99.8% of all US chickens reaching maturity that year had spent 82% of their lives in confinement. The living conditions in most chicken coops break every international law ever written, and some, particularly the ones for chickens bound for slaughter, border on inhumane. My point is, they had no chance to cross the road (unless you count the ride to the supermarket). Even if one or two have crossed roads for whatever reason, most never get a chance. Of course, this is not what we are told. Instead, we see chickens happily dancing around on Sesame Street and Foster Farms commercials where chickens are not only crossing roads, but driving trucks (incidentally, Foster Farms is owned by the same people who own the Foster Freeze chain, a subsidiary of the dairy industry). Anyway, ... (Chomsky continues for 32 pages. For the full text of his answer, contact Odonian Press)

Andrew Dice Clay
To (censored), What can I tell you -OOOOOOOOOOH

Joseph Conrad
Mistah Chicken, he dead.

Howard Cosell
It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.

Salvador Dali
The Fish.

Darwin
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Thomas Dequincy
Because it ran out of opium.

Jacques Derrida
Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is dead.

Jacques Derrida (in a contending discourse)
What is the *difference?* The chicken was merely deferring from one side of the road to other. And how do we get the idea of the chicken in the first place? Does it exist outside of language?

Rene Descartes
It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.

Emily Dickinson
Because it could not stop for death.

Bob Dylan
How many roads must one chicken cross?

Albert Einstein
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

TS Eliot
Weialala leia / Wallala leialala.

TS Eliot (revisited)
Do I dare to cross the road?

Ralph Waldo Emerson
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Epicurus
For fun.

Paul Erdos
It was forced to do so by the chicken-hole principle.

Basil Fawlty
Oh, don't mind that chicken. It's from Barcelona.

Gerald R. Ford
It probably fell from an airplane and couldn't stop its forward momentum.

Michel Foucault
It did so because the discourse of crossing the road left it no choice-the police state was oppressing it.

Sigmund Freud
The chicken obviously was female and obviously interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich.

Robert Frost
To cross the road less traveled by.

Zsa Zsa Gabor
It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which, thank goodness, are good, dahling.

Gilligan
The traffic started getting rough;
the chicken had to cross.
If not for the plumage of its peerless tail
the chicken would be lost,
the chicken would be lost!

Johann Friedrich von Goethe
The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Stephen Jay Gould
It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for it, but we have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little direct evidence about the genetics of behavior, and we do not know how to obtain it for the specific behaviors that figure most prominently in sociobiological speculation.

Ernest Hemingway
To die. In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg
We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Hippocrates
Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

Adolf Hitler
It needed Lebensraum.

David Hume
Out of custom and habit.

Saddam Hussein
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Lee Iacocca
It found a better car, which was on the other side of the road.

Lyndon Johnson
To show the armadillo that, "it can be done."

John Paul Jones
It has not yet begun to cross!

James Joyce
Once upon a time a nicens little chicken named baby tuckoo crossed the road and met a moocow coming down...

James Joyce
To forge in the smithy of its soul the uncreated conscience of its race.

Leopold Bloom
Wonder why chickens cross roads. Must be some law. Migration maybe. Mrs Marion Bloom.

Molly Bloom
the chicken crossed the road well Poldy I dont know why why do you worry about such stupid bloody things O speaking of stupid bloody things here it comes again damn it its only been three weeks I wonder is there something wrong with me yes

Carl Jung
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Immanuel Kant
Because it was a duty.

Martin Luther King
It had a dream.

James Tiberius Kirk
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Jacques Lacan
Because of its desire for *object a*.

Stan Laurel
I'm sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened the run.

Timothy Leary
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Leda
Are you sure it wasn't Zeus dressed up as a chicken? He's into that kind of thing, you know.

Gottfried Von Leibniz
In this best of all possible worlds, the road was made for it to cross.

Machiavelli
So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Paul de Man
The chicken did not really cross the road because one sideand the other are not really opposites in the first place.

Paul de Man (uncovered after his death)
So no one would find out it wrote for a collaborationist Belgian newspaper during the early years of World War II.

Groucho Marx
Chicken? What's all this talk about a chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.

Karl Marx
To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.

Also Karl Marx
It was a historical inevitability.

Katherine McKinnon
Because, in this patriarchial state, for the last four centuries, men have applied their principles of justice in determining how chickens should be cared for, their language has demeaned the identity of the chicken, their technology and trucks have decided how and where chickens will be distributed, their science has become the basis for what chickens eat, their sense of humor has provided the framework for this joke, their art and film have given us our perception of chicken life, their lust for flesh has has made the chicken the most consumed animal in the US, and their legal system has left the chicken with no other recourse.

Gregor Mendel
To get various strains of roads.

John Milton
To justify the ways of God to men.

Eddie Murphy
To get to the (censored) other side.

Alfred E. Neumann
What? Me worry?

Sir Isaac Newton
Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

Moses
Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that has crossed the road, and therefore the chicken that crosseth the road doth so for its own preservation.

Jack Nicholson
'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

Nietzsche
Because if you gaze too long across the road, the road gazes also across you.

Oliver North
National Security was at stake.

Camille Paglia
It was drawn by the subconscious chthonian power of the feminine which men can never understand, to cross the road and focus itself on its task. Hens are not capable of doing this- their minds do not work that way. Feminism tries vainly to pretend there is no real difference between them, falsely following Rousseau. But de Sade has proved....

Thomas Paine
Out of common sense.

Michael Palin
Nobody expects the banished inky chicken!

Wolfgang Pauli
There already was a chicken on the other side of the road.

Plato
For the greater good.

Pyrrho the Skeptic
What road?

Ayn Rand
It was crossing the road *because of its own rational choice to do so*. There cannot be a collective unconscious; desires are unique to each individual.

Ronald Reagan
I forget.

Jean-Paul Sartre
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

B.F. Skinner
Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

John Sununu
The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

The Sphinx
You tell me.

Joseph Stalin
I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.

Georg Friedrich Riemann
The answer appears in Dirichlet's lectures.

Mr. Scott
'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain!

William Shakespeare
I don't know why, but methinks I could rattle off a hundred-line soliloquy about it without much ado.

Sisyphus
Was it pushing a rock, too?

Socrates
To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.

Mr. T
If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!

Brad Templeton (Moderator of Rec.humor.funny)
Do you think I have time to answer questions like that? I'm not a riddle-answering service. Anyway, I've heard it before.

Margaret Thatcher
There was no alternative.

Dylan Thomas
To not go (sic) gentle into that good night.

Henry David Thoreau
To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

Thomas de Torquemada
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Mark Twain
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

George Washington
Actually it crossed the Delaware with me back in 1776. But most history books don't reveal that I bunked with a birdie during the duration.

Mae West
I invited it to come up and see me sometime.

Walt Whitman
To cluck the song of itself.

Ludwig Wittgenstein
The possibility of crossing was encoded into the objects chicken and road, and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

William Wordsworth
To have something to recollect in tranquility.

Malcom X
It was coming home to roost.

Molly Yard
It was a hen!

Henny Youngman
Take this chicken ... please.

Zeno of Elea
To prove it could never reach the other side.

Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because he was stuck in the chicken.

Thursday, 17-Jan-2002 11:09:31 EST