- Cat
Bathing as a Martial Art from Steve Willoughby's lists
- Initial
Entries in a Cat Dictionary original
-
Some Anecdotes of the Master Race original
- Cat
Notes (poem) original
Music
Some people say cats
never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats
have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved
Wisk-----dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.
I've spent most of
my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able
to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in
the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by
the fireplace.
The time comes, however,
when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of
massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells
like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."
When that day arrives
at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider
as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:
Know
that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern
for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage
by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where
he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom
is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with
the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a
shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a
three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
Know
that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your
body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to
protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction
boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask,
and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
Prepare
everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have
a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the
bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel
can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.
Use
the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply
carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange
attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does
notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing
experiment for J.C. Penney.)
Once
you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single
liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide
the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo.
You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
Cats
have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem
is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two
or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember
to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring
free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national
record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
Next,
the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be
the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and
the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple
compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat
is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug
with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the
cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens,
the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward
your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter
to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the
cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have
nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting
with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the
fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted
to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply
plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next
time you decide to give him a bath.
But at least now he
smells a lot better.
Thanks to Steve Willoughby.
If you see this post show up on an email list, unattributed, please let the
poster know the proper credit.
by Anitra L. Freeman
pfft
Rain. A four-letter word; not considered polite to use in front of young
or in mixed company.
nph
Yeah. Well. Used when
one must acknowledge the inevitable, with dignity.
NOTE: Some cats have
never been known to use this word.
hnph
A different cat-sniff, meaning "Yeah, I know you think it's important."
phht
Expression of supreme disdain, as, for any food loved yesterday.
prrrt
One of the post-hypnotic control words cats implant in their sleeping humans,
it means "Aren't I wonderful? Don't you just want to give me EVERYTHING?"
mrrrAOWr!
Means, "You will find OUT how far I've come from jaguars, offending THING!"
hmft
"Cats make rules for people and dogs. NO-ONE makes rules for cats."
Some Rules for
People:
You will always pet
a cat when the cat wants to be petted. Having your arms up to the elbow
in bread dough is no better excuse than being right in the middle of typing
a flight of fiction.
Corollary:
You will never pet a cat when the cat does not want to be petted.
Second corollary:
Never try to figure it out. Your cat will tell you.
Everything is defined
by its relationship to the cat. Example: If I walk across the keyboard,
that's what it's for. You may use it for writing when I am not walking,
sitting, or sleeping on it. hnph. (def. above)
Rules for
Dogs:
You exist on my sufferance,
scuzzball.
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